Unless I lose my head, I'm not going back to the doctor.

A few weeks after our foray into the wilds of Maine, I noticed a redness under my nose. It was a little bumpy and slightly itchy and tight. I didn't pay much attention to it at first - my skin is as sensitive as Obama whenever Bill Ayers' name comes up. Anyway, after applying creams and lotions and potions to no avail, I decided to make an appointment with the doctor.

You may not realize what a huge statement that is. In the recent past I have had episodes of irregular heart rates, migraine headaches, and excruciating stomach pain, but have avoided the hospital like a plague. Now, because my looks were at stake, I picked up the phone. Ah, vanity of vanities.

My absence at the neighborhood clinic did not go unchecked by the appointment clerk. "Madame, it seems you haven't actually established care here. I see only some scattered visits in acute care."

"Yeeeesss...." I wondered what she was getting at. Was I supposed to go to the doctor if I didn't have an issue?

"Well, if you do not establish care, we will not allow you to keep coming in for problems." I felt she was beginning to adopt a haughty tone.

"So you are saying that I have to pay 20 bucks just to check in with a resident when there's nothing wrong with me in order to be able to come in when there is?" This conversation was making about as much sense as Palin discussing foreign policy.

"That's right."

"So then, when the resident leaves after a few months and you send me a letter saying I've been assigned to someone new, I have to come in to "establish care" again?!" Now I was thinking that even my looks were not worth this much hassle.

I reluctantly agreed to make an appointment in acute care for the following day and an appointment with the Resident of the Month for the following week to establish care. So far this call had cost me 40 bucks.

The doctor at the acute appointment was confident that the rash was fungal, and prescribed a cream. Add $15 to the tally.

A week later, faithful applications of the cream proved futile, and I arrived at my "well-person" appointment not so well. This doctor disagreed with the acute care diagnosis, and thought that some simple OTC hydrocortisone would do the trick. Sigh.

That was last month. Can you guess the end of the story? Yep, rash is still there. All we have established is that I don't care to return to the doctor any time soon.